Sunday, September 29, 2013

Sex at the Edge, Part 1

I've wanted to write a blog about sex for weeks. I've thought of it before the past weeks; and I have often been stopped by my desire for privacy. If I blog about sex, surely "creepy" men (or possibly other genders) will message me or make comments that I am uncomfortable with, thinking that they are invited to relate to me personally about their sexuality.

Let me make clear that this is NOT the case. Whoever is reading this: I respect your sexuality as sacred, but that does not mean I want anything to do with it. This blog is to explore ideas and concepts about sexuality, not to exchange sexual energy. Do not send me any messages or comments that could be interpreted as you expressing sexual energy towards me. You are welcome and encouraged to share any other thoughts, feelings, and experiences in the comments below; and maybe you will find the concepts explored useful when sharing your sexuality with others, in person (or maybe not), elsewhere, who have consented to do so.

Now--onward! What do I have to say about sex, today, or any day? I could talk about cliteracy, a word and movement I just recently learned about. In the past, I have blogged about the importance of foreskin and the atrocity of infant circumcision. I've also touched on my experience with Tantra. What more is there to say?

I had an attempted one night stand, of sorts, over the summer. I knew the guy for many years prior, but only peripherally. We never really hung out, just saw each other around. Unfortunately, it was awful. I kind of hate the word "foreplay," because I see the activities it usually signifies as integral to "sex" rather than separate. But I'm not sure how else to explain that this person did not seem to value foreplay whatsoever. I tried my best to share my (self-accredited, I suppose) expertise at communication in this context. He seemed to feel really awkward about this, which made it more difficult, but hope I imparted at least a glimpse of possibility for a more conscious approach to sexuality.

I wish I could share more details and glean lessons learned, but I don't know how to do that without possibly betraying his privacy. One lesson learned, for me, is that even "casual sex" should not preclude intimacy. In fact, if I'm going to participate in casual sex, I want it to be intimate, and sensual, human connection, not just mere physical gratification. I have a box under my bed to help with that.

Afterwards, I noticed the benefit of my years of practicing observing without evaluating (a la Nonviolent Communication). Part of me--but only a small part! yay!--wanted to go into a shame spiral about my choice to partake in that activity in that way. I was able to connect to the rational explanation that that impulse probably comes from years of socialization in a Judeo-Christian culture, and that there's nothing wrong with trying to get my basic human needs met. So instead of shame, I simply mourned. I mourned that only 30% of men in the U.S. know what the clitoris is (this statistic is hearsay, but I trust it based on my own experience), and that culturally people seem so uncomfortable communicating their desires, fears, and other relevant information in a sexual context.

When I came up with the title to this blog, I thought I'd explore what sex means in the life of those of us who are...counterculture, for lack of a better word. I live my life at the edge of society in many ways, and sex is certainly one of them. I want to continue with this topic as a series, sharing my take on this important aspect of life based on the synthesis of my experiences, Tantra workshops I've attended, and books I've read on sacred sexuality, as well as how skilled communication, including NVC tools, enhances sexual experiences a hundredfold. If there are any specific topics you'd like to see explored, please share your suggestions in the comments.