Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Judgement Day

I pulled the Judgement card. Rebirth, resurrection, honesty. Heeding the call.
The call from my Higher Self.

I thought I didn't have anything to write about, until I had too much. I slept with Judgement under my pillow for the past two nights. Gabriel coming down from the clouds, blowing his horn with a cross hanging from it, while the dead rise up singing from their graves.

The first night I dreamt I was standing in a forest with a friend (no face appears in my memory). Civilization had apparently collapsed, and we were organizing our selves according to bioregion. We discussed the desire to maintain the integrity of the forests, and I suggested a rotating-shift system of volunteer forest rangers, similar to volunteer fire departments. I thought I saw a forest ranger come out of the trees, but I don't remember him coming into the story. Next moment, there is a GIGANTIC brown bear at the bottom of the hill we're standing on. I can feel my friend's body as well as my own. We are rooted to the ground; I can feel the plant fibers weaving our feet to the ground. The bear charges. Straight at my friend, who runs, but I am sure she will die.

Initial reaction: relief. I notice how little I care. I have no desire to attempt to save her. All I want is to get away. I am grateful the bear went for her instead of me. I am amazed at how my own sense of self-preservation nullifies the bonds of friendship so quickly. I run down the hill, but a baby bear (very large though) comes out of the trees. Shit, now I'm between a bear and her baby. Guaranteed ticket to a mauling and death. I run to the side but my feet don't seem to work right, they keep getting bound up with the plants.

There was a cave under where we stood on the hill. We could have jumped into it. It was small, and dirt, not rock. Hardly more than a vertically-oriented hole in the ground. It might have saved both of us. It also could have trapped us though, which is why I made the split-second decision to run instead.

Was this dream inspired by the Judgement card? Did the bear choose the other girl instead of me for a reason? (Although later in the dream I got the impression my friend had somehow gotten away alive, beyond all odds.) Is it because of some purpose I am supposed to fulfill?

Or was it about the judgment call I made, to run instead of hide? To pass the pain onto someone else?  To run instead of fight. Is this what I want to do in my waking life? Is it what I am doing? What do you have to tell me Bear? What is your message?

I meant to write a blog about the voyage I took to St. Louis. Now its been so long, in the sense that so much has happened that has been meaningful and intense for me, that I don't have much to say. I flew. I felt the magic of flying, as I did not on the other plane excursion I went on three years ago. I surrendered to being 30,000 feet above ground. My heart soared too.

St. Louis smells like sewage. It is full of cathedrals and abandoned buildings. It was a nice place to visit.

There are 3 Things I want in my life: Nature, Magic, and Yoga.

I mystified a squirrel today. What seems like a long time ago, a high school teacher told a story to his class about hitting a branch on a tree as a squirrel did the same. He joked that hitting the tree in rapid succession is squirrel for 'fuck you'. I never learned if that was true though, so I tried it out on at least one squirrel. I tapped a branch of a tree over and over again with my palm: tap-tap-tap. She tapped back. It worked!

That was also many moons ago. Today I noticed a squirrel climbing through the brush as I sat by the creek. When he saw me he climbed high up a tree away from me. I watched. After a moment, I thought to tap on the cover of my sketchbook.

He looked for me, intrigued as to the source of the sound. I continued. He climbed down the tree to a lower branch and stared, twitching a bit. He began to tap back (he may have already started tapping when he was higher up, the memory is getting muddled). We stared at each other for a while, with me tapping at times to keep him engaged.. I felt a mutual acknowledgment. I felt that I was able to recognize him (or her) as an individual, rather than just another copy of the prototypical squirrel. Not to say that I could recognize him for sure, but maybe. I told him I would return, and if that was his home, perhaps we would see each other again.

Now I just looked up 'squirrel tapping' to see what it does mean (because the whole time I was concerned that I was saying fuck you after all). I didn't find anything! There were some sites that looked like with a lot of mining I could find some vague hints as to what it might mean, but nothing clear and easy. So if anyone knows what squirrels mean when they tap, I'd love to hear from you! When I left, he was looking mystified, which amused me. I mystified a squirrel. Maybe today is a success after all.

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